I feel that I am a terrific father and that it gives me great joy and a sense of fulfillment to be a great father. However, I have times when I feel that I slip up and am just not giving Greyson my all, not giving him my best. We have had many challenges throughout our marriage and since he has been born, in almost every aspect of life in fact. Sometimes life and all the many responsibilities it gives us can make things very hard to navigate.
Over the past year I have had to adjust my career and make some new decisions, working more in order to support the family. It is obviously a necessity to do that so your family can be taken care of. I do not shy away from challenges or hard work, most of the time I embrace it. However, working so much has definitely had an affect on my relationship with Greyson. I always make sure we spend quality time together where I am present with him the moment and we always enjoy that but sometimes when I leave for work I can see the disappointment on his face. I work 7 days a week so it is not like I have a day or two a week at home with him all day. I understand that I have to leave and have no choice but sometimes it is so hard.
The other day particularly made me feel guilty as he was trying to get me to play with him when I needed to leave and when I spoke to Alex after I did leave, he was having a meltdown. Even though I know it is not my fault Still feel the guilt. It can really get under my skin and make we feel so uncomfortable and like I let him down and I am not being a great father or the father he deserves. It has helped put things into perspective for me though, just like so many other things have. I do not want my life to be like this forever.
So, it really got me thinking and questioning things about my life and life in general. It was kind of eye popping how I could see and feel my goals and desires in life changing right in front of my eyes but it was incredible, a transformation of vision and purpose that I was watching, feeling and actively participating in the whole time. I know more then ever what I want and what I value and it has been eye opening to me. All the guilt that I have been feeling, has turned into a blessing because never before in my life have I felt so I know what I want in life so clearly and vividly. I am sure the guilt will always come and go since Greyson is so important to me, but now I feel like I know where I want to go and I can just focus on taking the best steps to get there!