I was struggling for a while after Greyson was born. By far the most challenging time in my life. After 6-8 months I think I was finally getting accustom to the role of being a father. I was dealing with the negative thoughts and stresses that were affecting me. It took a lot of time and work but I was getting where I needed to be in order to be a great father.
I was almost completely past this time when I got the gut punch. Finding our Greyson had autism at about 18-19 months. Outwardly, I was calm and supportive. I needed to be a rock for Alex. I was trying to focus on staying positive. I knew that as long as we were a team and a family we could get through anything. But internally it was a completely different story. I definitely took a few steps backwards.
Once again, I felt scared and overwhelmed. Grieving what we envisioned for our future and wondering how I was going to help my beautiful son. I got lost in my own mind. Playing out a million scenarios. I was thinking about the fact that I may never hear my son say “Dad.” I might not ever be able to see him get married or have a family. I may not see him even have a career. We might not even be able to do any normal father and son activities, like have a catch or going fishing.
I was truly mourning what I thought could be, while trying to manage the reality we were in. I was lost in my own head and struggling. I knew this was not the whole story but I did not see the way forward.