Post 4 Lost 

After processing the fallout from finding out that Greyson had autism, I found myself in an interesting situation. I found information was not easy to access nor were there resources. Alexandria was diving into anything and everything she could find on the subject. It motivated me to try and do the same. I began to use my time between sales calls, while in the car driving listening to podcasts and Youtube videos about different aspects of autism. I started to gain some confidence as I learned… 

After a few days to a week of doing this, I came home and had an opportunity to put my knew knowledge into practice. I was super excited when Alex told me about something Greyson struggle with that day, because I felt I had the answer. I explained it to her and we tried it. Well, it turned into a complete disaster! I immediately felt lost again, my ego bruised and broken. I was beaten down mentally and even physically.

Looking back at that experience now, I realize where it went wrong that day. We can not view autism completely analytically, nor can we always completely isolate situations. Many different things can factor into a particular situation. We need to take everything into consideration when we look at addressing any situation. We need to look at the child as a whole and not just that one particular part of the child. 

But when I was in that situation I didn’t know any of that, “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” At that point I was lost again, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually. I didn’t know where to turn, and I knew Alex was completely consumed with everything herself. I knew I didn’t want to burden her further so I did not mention the struggles I was having. I am a man of course, and men are strong and do not fault in the presence of stress.

However, nothing could be further from the truth. I have come to be awoken to that truth since then. I continually work on opening up and expressing my emotions as they come, both openly and honestly. Now I feel stronger and more masculine than I ever have before. The journey of wandering my way through being lost, back to a place  of stability began that day. It has taken a long time but I have finally found myself. 

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